10 reasons not to go to the beach


The beach is one of the most popular vacation destinations in South Texas. During spring break, a large amount of people flock there to have some fun — even though the beach is not fun at all. Here are 10 reasons why you should literally just stay home and watch some Netflix or something. Do anything or go anywhere but the beach. Literally anywhere else.

  1. Creepers trying to see breasts

With an abundance of girls (above and below legal age), there is an unknown amount of strange older men with disappointing bodies everywhere. They have swim shorts that are too short for men of their ages and their bodies are unsightly. They will probably try to hang with some college kids visiting home at one point who will be too drunk to really care. These men are eyesores and you can just go to the beach a different week.

  1. Sand all up in the crevices

Sand is the actual worst. No matter how hard you try to make sure it doesn’t get absolutely EVERYWHERE, you FAIL! Sand should be avoided at all costs. Literally just stay home.

  1. Fish in the hair

This one comes from one of our very own staff members, who recalls having a fish fall out of her hair after a day at the beach. There are also a large number of other animals that can either kill you or really just mess you up so literally just stay home.

  1. Loud as all hell

People have no boundaries in general and the likelihood is high of some gross person just blasting some really bad music that you shouldn’t be subjected to. Stay home and listen to your own music in the privacy of your nice, clean home that most likely has no sand in it (if it does find a new house immediately).

  1. Turtle herpes

This is a real problem affecting the turtle community that needs to be addressed. While human herpes is not curable, we have ways of dealing with the herpes. Turtles already have a lot to deal with as the beach pollution that is only worsened by spring breakers to begin with, so throw away your plastic bags properly and donate to your local turtle charity.

  1. Jail bait (HOO HA HA)

Kicking it back to No. 1 for a second, underage girls tend to frequent the beaches everywhere en masse. I can only hope that you wish to go on with the rest of your life without seeing some 16-year-old girl’s breasts. If you are in the wrong place at the wrong time you may also see aforementioned girls doing very sexual dance moves on other underage guys.

  1. The blisters you’ll get when you inevitable forget to wear sunscreen

Oh, the sun. Sweet, searing sun that all life is dependent on yet will seriously hurt you if you do not put on oily chemicals on your body. No matter how long you spend at the beach, your mind will constantly make you believe that the thin coat of sunscreen you put on earlier in the day is lasting. Go to Page 7 to see which sunscreen is the best if you do go, but we recommend you don’t go.

  1. Long wait to go to crowded dirty beach

At some point during the past, an evil wizard put a spell on the citizens of America to make them forget that beaches exist. For some reason, this spell does not work during spring break, in turn making every living person head to the beach. To see firsthand how apparently beaches are only open during one week in March, head to the beach, where you will wait for an unnecessary amount of time to play in sand and see gross old men shirtless.

  1. Tourists

Annoying people who act like they have never seen a beach in their lives will be crawling around every local area. They will be driving way too slowly and be clogging up all the local Targets and Wal-Marts in town and just overall be the actual worst. Stay home to avoid them at all cost.

  1. Alcohol restrictions

The only reasonable way to not be bothered by the first nine items on our list is to drink alcohol. OH WAIT TOO BAD YOU CAN’T BRING ALCOHOL ON THE BEACH AT NIGHT. Literally just stay home. Please.

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