Staying safe while hooking up online

Online hookups have become a big part of dating culture for young adults, and with that comes the danger of meeting random strangers who you have probably only seen a few pictures of and have only been talking to for less than a week.

Many people reading that would probably say, “Why would anyone do that?” But the reality of our day and age is that hookup culture has traveled to the Internet and dating apps have taken over.

While meeting someone in person is all nice and fairytale-like, most times, you don’t meet anyone outside of the circle of people you work with or your friends. Dating apps allow you to meet so many people at once and you don’t even have to get out of bed! Dating apps also offer a way for queer people to meet other queer people, because while queer people look like everyone else, unless you ask you never know if a person is queer.

We all have sex, it’s why you’re reading this piece, and hooking up with someone on a dating app is not shameful or embarrassing, but at least make sure you stay safe when doing the do with someone you barely know and don’t become a future plotline for “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.”

So it’s a nice, cool Friday night, you’re feeling fresh and a little bit friskier than usual, so you get on Tinder. After swiping through dozens of “not todays” and strange/clearly fake profiles, you stumble upon a beautiful human. Their profile is nice and funny, they have their Instagram attached to show that they are a true human being and, best of all, they liked you back.

You both talk for a decent hour or two and decide that you look too good to not let anyone see you. You tell them you want to go over and perform a monologue in a robe to help practice for a theater class you took for an easy grade but is a lot more work than you wanted, but at this point if you drop it you won’t graduate. You tell them you are also in the market for having some sex, because it has been too long and you know what you want. They tell you they will get ready and you can come over in 30 minutes. Now the game has begun.

After showering and preparing your monologue one last time, you start to worry that this could be your last day on Earth and that this person could murder you. Meeting someone new at their house is a scary thing! First, you should tell a friend or two that you are going to a person’s house, share the address with your friends and arrange a time to check in with your friends so they don’t call the police and file a missing person report.

After your friends are aware that you are going to get laid and are subsequently jealous and have since begun swiping on Tinder, you need to gather your materials. Don’t rely on them to have condoms and lube, bring your own! You are strong and independent and while you may not be financially secure, you can never put a price on having a good time and not getting gonorrhea.

You nervously pace until the time arrives. You head over to the person’s house and do the weird nervous small-talk before you perform your monologue. Your performance excites and moves them, but it makes you thirsty. You ask for a glass of water and go get it yourself and then begin going over your monologue. One thing leads to another and they make a move on you. However, before you get too into it, you decide to go to the bathroom before you pee all over the other person. When you do, YOU BRING YOUR WATER WITH YOU, because them being into your monologue could be a cruel act and they are secretly trying to drug you.

Never leave your open drink unattended and always make sure that you see them make you a drink if they do, just like in the club.

You and this person have sex as you discussed earlier and then you tell them you’d love to perform another monologue for them some time. You head home and call your friend to tell them you’re not behind a dumpster.

While not all hookups will go like that, you still can never be too prepared. Be clear with the other person on what you want and if they get too pushy or scare you, don’t be afraid to leave. You don’t owe anyone anything!

The last thing you want is for Executive Producer Dick Wolf from “Law and Order: SVU” to find out that you ended up in a dumpster behind Denny’s and then make an episode about you. While the show is fantastic, don’t make it your legacy!

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